I can’t get no

Hi. I’m Victoria and I’m a chronic sufferer of comparisonitis and a paid up member of the grass is always greener club. The self-doubt is real, and is always perched on my shoulder every time I have to make a decision, to ask me: mmmm are you sure about that?

A couple of weeks ago I was chatting with another parent who is a primary school teacher. As we chatted and I started thinking maybe I should look for part time teaching roles, a little light went off in my brain. The seven years I spent as a teacher (and 5 years as a TA previous to that) I spent every free moment I had in the pursuit of earning a living through illustration; I took evening classes, weekend courses, I drew in my lunch break, I started the first iteration of this business selling prints and cards. Because despite feeling very passionately about education, I don’t want to be a teacher. I have never been able to commit to teaching (or anything else) fully because all I want to do is make stupid drawings. So how is it that now, when I’m really happy with my business and what I’m creating, am I wondering whether I wouldn’t be happier teaching?

At the moment I am on a very enjoyable hamster wheel of imagining jewellery, making it, photographing it, and waxing lyrical about it to anyone who’ll listen in the hope that I sell some. And then I do. I am pleased. It is working, I think, I am making a living from stupid drawings. I continue.

And yet I am not satisfied. I should be doing better, making more money, making Real Grown Up Perfect Art. I wonder about my long harboured dreams to illustrate picture books and occasionally this inspires me to pick up a brush or a pencil but it doesn’t take long before my impatience rears and I put it all away again. I’m rusty, clumsy, and likely my tastes and expectations have changed since I last drew in earnest with old-school materials.

I had reason recently to metaphorically dust off the digital portfolio I made five years ago, only to find I couldn’t access it. Judging by the cover page which was all memphis patterns I decided it probably needed a refresh anyway. My understanding of a portfolio is that it should not only reflect the work you can do, but the sort of work you WANT to do. Which brings me back to the beginning; what do I want to do? Make stupid drawings.

Even though I am literally doing this, there is some part of me that is unsatisfied, not nourished by what I’m doing. And it is doing my nut in trying to work out why. Maybe I will never be satisfied (thanks Lin Manuel) and maybe I will never know why. I am very aware of what a first world problem this is, and also how pointless this whole blog post is, seeing as I started with ‘why am I like this?’ and have ended with ‘dunno’. I am nearly 40 years old and I have never been able to answer the question “where do you see yourself in 5 years time?”

I wonder if that’s what it is I’m longing for; a long and satisfying arc, a goal on the horizon to nobly and constantly strive for. But I don’t have any of those. All I’ve got is stupid pictures. And self doubt. But I’m working on it.