Person: "so, what is it you do?"
Me: "I make silly earrings!" and modelled said (really silly) earrings.
Everyone: NOOOOO they're not silly/they're lovely/oh they're so nice/they're beautiful etc etc
These lovely women, with whom I'd only previously exchanged a few words, went to some pains to reassure me that my work had value. I found this interesting for a couple of reasons:
1. I never said it didn't have value, or wasn't lovely or beautiful. I said it was silly, which it is, but can't it be all of those things at once?
2. Women are amazing. That acute social training meant they didn't even take a beat to think about what I'd said and just assumed I was being self-deprecating and took it upon themselves to lift me up.
And while this is really sweet, I have developed a fairly thick skin by leaning into this silliness because I've had to learn that it's not for everyone. Not everyone wants earrings with faces on them, or bugs hanging round their neck. But those that do, you guys, you guys that get it, you know I'm not out here saving lives, performing heart surgery, but that in fact I'm just getting through the day trying to spread some joy and not to put eyes on everything.
My job is to brighten your day by making really stupid things you can hang off yourself, so if you're having a crappy day and have to go and have a little cry in the toilets, you can catch a glimpse of your wiggly worm earrings and go HAAA. Little serotonin boosters. My whole social media is dedicated to my dressing up habit and oh look a glittery slug. It's not serious, it's not important, or necessary. Except that sometimes, in that moment when you do need a little lift, noticing your little woodlouse brooch buddy on your jumper does just that.
Will I ever learn to make beautiful, dainty things? Maybe. But there's lots of folk doing that absolutely brilliantly already, and I love their work, I don't want to replicate it. So I'll stick with silly, and wonky and a little bit weird, encouraged and supported by all of you fabulous folk. And here we come full circle, because the good vibes just keep on coming. You buy my silly earrings to cheer yourself up, but do you even realise how much you're also lifting me up? I quite literally could not do this without you guys. Thank you for letting me be silly.
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Hi. I’m Victoria and I’m a chronic sufferer of comparisonitis and a paid up member of the grass is always greener club. The self-doubt is real, and is always perched on my shoulder every time I have to make a decision, to ask me: mmmm are you sure about that?
A couple of weeks ago I was chatting with another parent who is a primary school teacher. As we chatted and I started thinking maybe I should look for part time teaching roles, a little light went off in my brain. The seven years I spent as a teacher (and 5 years as a TA previous to that) I spent every free moment I had in the pursuit of earning a living through illustration; I took evening classes, weekend courses, I drew in my lunch break, I started the first iteration of this business selling prints and cards. Because despite feeling very passionately about education, I don’t want to be a teacher. I have never been able to commit to teaching (or anything else) fully because all I want to do is make stupid drawings. So how is it that now, when I’m really happy with my business and what I’m creating, am I wondering whether I wouldn’t be happier teaching?
At the moment I am on a very enjoyable hamster wheel of imagining jewellery, making it, photographing it, and waxing lyrical about it to anyone who’ll listen in the hope that I sell some. And then I do. I am pleased. It is working, I think, I am making a living from stupid drawings. I continue.
And yet I am not satisfied. I should be doing better, making more money, making Real Grown Up Perfect Art. I wonder about my long harboured dreams to illustrate picture books and occasionally this inspires me to pick up a brush or a pencil but it doesn’t take long before my impatience rears and I put it all away again. I’m rusty, clumsy, and likely my tastes and expectations have changed since I last drew in earnest with old-school materials.
I had reason recently to metaphorically dust off the digital portfolio I made five years ago, only to find I couldn’t access it. Judging by the cover page which was all memphis patterns I decided it probably needed a refresh anyway. My understanding of a portfolio is that it should not only reflect the work you can do, but the sort of work you WANT to do. Which brings me back to the beginning; what do I want to do? Make stupid drawings.
Even though I am literally doing this, there is some part of me that is unsatisfied, not nourished by what I’m doing. And it is doing my nut in trying to work out why. Maybe I will never be satisfied (thanks Lin Manuel) and maybe I will never know why. I am very aware of what a first world problem this is, and also how pointless this whole blog post is, seeing as I started with ‘why am I like this?’ and have ended with ‘dunno’. I am nearly 40 years old and I have never been able to answer the question “where do you see yourself in 5 years time?”
I wonder if that’s what it is I’m longing for; a long and satisfying arc, a goal on the horizon to nobly and constantly strive for. But I don’t have any of those. All I’ve got is stupid pictures. And self doubt. But I’m working on it.
I'm beginning to understand more what my dad always used to say; that no matter his age he always felt 27 years old, and it was a shock to be reminded that you weren't. Now we seem to be coming out of the other side of the pandemic, or are learning to live with it, at least, I'm loosening my limbs and thinking about being out in the world again. Like a big old bear waking up from hibernation. And what do I find? A natty new collection of silvery hairs (natural highlights!), a bigger nose (it's character giving!), a squooshy tummy (perfect for babs to sleep on!) achey joints (err...) quite a bit more tiredness (umm...) and crinkly, wrinkly lines every time I move my face in any sort of configuration (ughhh....). It has shocked me.
Another pandemic change, is that once I started making the effort to dress for me and for fun at the start of the horror show, and folk took interest online, I've been showing a lot more of myself and my outfits on Instagram. It has become second nature now if I'm feeling especially cute or fabulous to take a few photos, you know, for the 'gram. And the other day, taking selfies cos I looked cute, I realised that I take more photos of myself now than I ever did when I was younger, thinner, less wobbly and creased. That I feel happier in my own skin now at nearly 40 than I ever did at 20. I have an embarrassment of selfies on my phone and until now I've been telling myself it's content creation, but do you know, I think I've subconsciously been doing something else?
In the pre-selfie era I hated having my photo taken. My wedding photos were torture and I'm still not nuts for it when other people take my photograph. My go to move has been to make a stupid face because then I look awful on purpose. But these days I'm actually...smiling in photos? Posing, even. Something happened between then and now and it isn't just that I want to create content. I think that I'm recording moments in time where I feel good and think I look good for my future self. HEAR ME OUT.
I was horrible to myself about my appearance when I was younger, no matter my weight or dress size it was never good enough and I was always comparing. Then came the beige years of my 20s and early 30s trying to fit in with the other grown ups. Still pulling silly faces or trying to not smile to hide the teeth I'd always been told were too big. But looking back at photos of my younger self I am stunned I ever thought those things. I was just a shy, normal looking kid. So I am making reparations to my younger self. I am dressing up however makes me feel good and I am recording the moment for posterity. So I can look over these photos in the old people's home and be like yes; I remember feeling amazing that day, in that dress or in those sunglasses. I remember feeling sexy, unstoppable, silly, powerful. Ready to take on anything.
It's been a bit of a journey to get to this acceptance and sometimes genuine love for myself. A massive stumbling block was having to stop wearing eye make up due to developing an eye condition (another joy of ageing; all these conditions you develop) and it's taken me a good old while to get used to my eyes without make up, eye bags, crows feet and all. I wear eye make up once a week, and have discovered red lipstick which has proved to be a mega mood booster. But I never would have thought I could have felt good and genuinely believed I looked good without my signature eyeliner.
If any of this rings true with you, then I'm sorry if you ever or still do feel crappy about yourself. But see if you can find a thing or two things that make you feel totally badass and amazing, or even just makes you feel goofy and silly. And treat yourself to a little photoshoot, just for you. You might surprise yourself.
]]>Well it's been... nearly a year. I will never become a blog-ist. But thinking is hard, writing is hard, and time is a construct so you know, pick one of those and that's why I haven't blogged for a while.
I also can't always descramble my brain in a way that I can make it make sense to anyone other than me, there is a reason my emails are always so short, and for a while now this blog has more served as overspill from my newsletter. When I get my teeth into a subject and as I type I am surprised to discover I am Having Feelings and have a lot to bloody say. Well, more than I'd feel comfortable putting in a newsletter, anyway.
As with a lot of these thought dumps, this one is about clothes. And this one came about due to a few things; Queer Eye; Valentines Day; the idea of self love. Now Queer Eye is AALLLL about self love and clothes fiend that I am, one of my fave of the fab five is Tan France. I feel like he think so carefully and with such delicacy about pushing people's boundaries and helping them not only to feel comfortable in their own skin, but to love what they see in the mirror.
To quote Carrie*, it made me wonder: When do we start hating ourselves? Is it when we're kids? Or is it later as a teen? What happens there? Why do we speak to ourselves and treat our bodies in ways that we'd never ever imagine doing to another person? What is that about? If I was being glib I'd say it's the patriarchy's fault (it absolutely is) but I'm sure there's loads of other stuff at play.
I recorded a stupid TikTok video today (I am way too old for that platform, but eh, small biz needs must) and I was recording my outfit, which incidentally, is fabulous. The shorts I'm wearing highlight quite nicely my little mama pouch and do I LOVE it? Not always. But it's a part of my body and it tells my story and it never asked to be there but it is so why should I punish it, or me, by hating on it if my clothing accentuates it? Layering on all the 80s silliness and gorgeousness today, meant that in the mirror instead of being like ARGH POUCH I was like AAOOOWWW YES amazing outfit!
Similarly, I'm learning to love my legs at the moment, so I'm really enjoying short shorts and tights or leggings, and plan to continue the leg love over the summer and letting them see the sun; blemishes, varicose veins and cellulite and all. I cannot tell you how long I've been hiding my bare legs for, since I was a teen if not earlier. I think I was afraid of dressing in a sexy way? Or a feminine way? I was incredibly uncomfortable with both those things as a young teen. And as many women approaching middlish age, you think back to the things you hated about your body when you were younger and you think: You PLUM.
This is the body I have now. I don't have any plans to change it (well.. maybe a couple more tattoos) now do I have any clever ways to suggest how to love your wobbly bits, cos I can't say I love mine. But I'm trying, and by dressing me wobbles and jiggles in colours and clothes I love at least I'm treating them nicely. Some might say this is a lipstick on a pig situation (Note: I am not calling myself a pig, or ugly, I think I look alright, as it happens!) but so forking what? You wear that lipstick, pig, you look effing fabulous.
Something else that comes up in Queer Eye is the challenging of gender norms, and the scene between JVN and the cattle rancher talking about being non binary was just... UGH heart eyes. I'm so thrilled by all the conversations and realisations people are having around gender constructs and how they present themselves because it feels like maybe, just maybe, we're collectively done with being told who to be and how to be and we're going to just let ourselves be.
So, here is my battle cry to you. Find something you love and absolutely wreath yourself in it. Put on those earrings, that hair tie, the nail polish, the shoes, whatever it is, no matter how big or how small, gift your body the gift of gorgeousness so that every time you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror you gasp and think WHO is that vision? WHO is this goddess? View yourself kindly, give yourself a hug; trust me, you'll really feel the benefit.
*who's watching THAT train wreck of a show? I had to stop, I couldn't take it.
]]>Lots of my contemporaries have eloquently, simply, engagingly and just like bloody brilliantly share their rage and frustration at the government, the Covid crisis, the murder of black people, equality and visibility for everyone and I share, I nod along, I go Oh My God YES when I read their posts and blog posts. But when it comes to sharing those thoughts myself I seize up; why is that?
In part, I'm scared of saying the 'wrong' thing and upsetting people. Even though mistakes are great to learn from, that fear really paralyses me. Another thing that halts me is that it takes me a really long time to process my feelings into words that I can think let alone speak or write. It can take me days, sometimes weeks to work out how I've been feeling about a thing. And I'm a terrible over thinker when I want to be. I mean, it's taken me a year to write this blog post. How's that for over thinking?
I am also not certain if the world needs my white, cis-gendered opinion, when there are more marginalised voices we should be listening to. Sometimes when I feel compelled to post or share something I really have to check - am I performing? Am I sharing this because I want to signal to people I am not a massive racist? That is not a good reason for sharing something. So I find it really hard to detangle wanting to promote marginalised voices from my desire to get a pat on the head for my wokeness - this is gross to admit.
The last and least important reason, but still one that gives me pause, is that so often people say to me that my content and my artwork cheers them up, and is so refreshing and positive. And I love that, I live for it, affirm me moooore please. But then it makes me think, darn, if I start getting all political are people going to leave? I'm not worried about people disagreeing with me (my dad was supes political and we rarely agreed so I'm well practised), I'm happy to ignore trolls, and I don't have a problem with someone choosing not to follow me cos they find out I'm a bleeding heart leftie (seems a silly reason to follow someone or not.. unless you're following them FOR the politics?) Argh. I'm getting tangled up again. I think what I'm trying to say is that I'd hate for someone to be feeling down, or overwhelmed with the world (it is SO overwhelming at the moment) to check my insta stories or grid for some relief and there isn't any escape there from the constant bad news. Do you know what I mean?
I think what I'm trying to say, is that I am feeling conflict between my personal thoughts and opinions and the content I produce as an artist and business owner. I don't have a personal instagram account, my life and my biz are on my main account, and sometimes a bit more life creeps in than I would like.
I don't think I have a very satisfying conclusion for this blog. I still haven't found a balance I feel comfortable with. I want to share my thoughts because I do have them, and don’t want to just ignore what’s happening in the world, but I don’t want to bring people down (this is probs impossible, but a girl can dream) I don’t want to second guess my motives, but I also have to keep that ego in check cos it does weird things. I wanted to write this blog post because my political opinions have snuck into newsletters, the grid, my stories, and I suppose I wanted to give some context as to why it's so scattered and up and down. And I think that's all I have to say. Feel free to drop me an email if you want to chat about this, I feel like the only way I can ever make sense of thoughts and feelings is by talking about them, even if I just need to babble it all out. Let's babble.
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As you may or may not have gathered, I was on't radio last week for about 10 mins talking clothes, colour and Charles Dickens, of all things (you can still listen here, I'm on at 1.36.57) . I mentioned to Jo and Anna a Guardian article that my bestest friend (she knows who she is) sent me not long ago, thinking it would be up my street, and by golly it really was.
This is the article, and it's where I first came across the phrase 'dopamine dressing'. It really struck a chord and I realised that for the last couple of years, this is what I have unconsciously been doing with my wardrobe. Although I have always been drawn to colour and non-mainstream fashion trends, I spent a lot of my 20s and early 30s in grey accented with 'splashes' of colour. I loved charity shop rummaging and later on vintage, but also didn't feel cool enough to wear a lot of the mad 80s prints that gave me heart eyes. Once I started work I tried dressing like a grown up and would permit myself 'splashes' of colour. A red necklace; a green scarf, a yellow jumper. An internal voice told me I shouldn't wear all of these things at once, it wasn't 'grown up', 'professional', or those colours 'clashed'. I yearned to look minimalist and sophisticated. I felt envious of people with calm neutral clothing and surroundings; uncluttered and clean not just from dust and dirt but almost from chaos itself.
So for maybe 10 years my relationship with clothes and colour was a bit mixed up. I loved colour, but just wore a 'pop'. Dressing up was fun except when it was stressful, because the picture in my head didn't match the reflection in the mirror. Because I was trying to dress up like someone else, not myself, I now realise. Because I am not calm. I am chaotic.
Then 2018 happened. I lost my dad and became a mum in the space of about 3 months. Once the fog of grief, and shock of becoming a new parent began to lift I got more involved in my business and the online community of small business owners. I realised I could live from my creativity and fully embrace this part of myself. Just when I expected I'd be feeling my frumpiest my wardrobe undertook a total transformation; I started buying lots more vintage, and lots of indie brand clothing.
The first to go were the skinny jeans. I was never a massive fan. Then the breton tops. And the oatmeal coloured cardies. I got big into dungarees which were like a gateway drug into dressing Literally However The Forking Hell You Want. I found other women who were making their own clothes, screenprinting and absolutely rocking vintage looks. This looked fun, and I wanted in. I realised there is no dress for your body shape/colouring/life you want. It is bullshirt. We have been lied to. You dress for yourself and to make yourself happy because anything else is insanity.
When I look back at how I used to dress I just think I was trying to fit in somehow, or give a different impression of myself. I was hiding. I was a closet maximalist in wannabe Scandi clothing. And I was never going to fool anyone with that because I am not so much a Coco Chanel with her rule of take one thing off before you leave the house. I am much more an Iris Apfel who says 'more is more and less is a bore'. I can't help myself. I'm drawn to the bright, gaudy, unusual, sparkly things. And I want to wear them all at once.
So now I am embracing my not-so-inner maximalist, and I have never felt more myself. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I properly couldn't give a monkeys. It makes me so happy, to not care about clashing prints and colours (more, more!) and to wear massive earrings and a rainbow bow in my hair. I get the odd snigger and double take when I'm out and about (and these people really need to get a life because I'm a pretty tame dresser!) but I also get SMILES and people returning my cheery 'Morning!' Little kids stare at me and quite often come up and ask if they can touch the tassels on my t-shirt or the pins on my jacket. I like the idea that I'm giving them an alternative version of a grown up. And I hope I'm able to do that for my own daughter. Teaching her to just wear what makes her happy, regardless of what the media say she should look like or should wear.
I'm going to end this here but I think I need to return to this subject because I've got a LOT to say and some women and brands I'd like to share that have helped me on my journey (though they might not know it) and continue to inspire me, but I will just leave you with this final thought: I've kept thinking about how rather than toning myself down with age I am becoming more confident and giving far fewer forks. I keep remembering the opening lines of the poem Warning (did you ever do it at school?) Here it is in all it's glory, a fine way to end this thought spill:
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
I created watercolour textures for the land and sea, which were then jigsaw puzzles together in photoshop. Alongside this I was taking part in the 100 Day project on Instagram (the same one that the year before had been pivotal in helping me create my 100 Things print) and I had chosen to illustrate 100 whales and their calves. 100 WHALES. I’m not even sure I could find 100 different species of whales but it didn’t matter, because I got SO into working on the map that I just wasn’t interested in whales. And as I was getting some BAD comparisonitis because
the accounts I followed that were doing similar work to me, looked the same. Because there are only so many ways you can draw an orca whale from the same stock photos on google everyone else is using.
Initially it was my intention to do all of the map illustration by hand, using inks and watercolour. But when it came to adding animals and text I just couldn’t get it to work. It looked so laboured. I also wasn’t getting the time to paint like I used to, looking after a 6 month old, and I was finding the stress of having to get it right first time really overwhelming. Instead, I started playing with digital drawing to create the little animals and something just clicked. I found myself completely abandoning my whale project, and just working on the map because I was having FUN. I taught myself how to use procreate, and way upped my photoshop game.
The finished map is a combo of my old style and new, and I think is just a perfect representation and a record of this turning point in my creativity and methods. The more I played with procreate the more liberated I felt. The more fun I had. The more possibilities I saw.
Digital artwork has freed me creatively. When I’d sit down with a blank sheet, all my paints and brushes laid out, it felt I had to make Art, whereas with my iPad and Apple Pencil it’s just like whatevs, and I have FUN. And that’s magical. This map was a joyous and uplifting thing to make (as well as a proper meaty challenge) and the feeling of liberation, curiosity and uncertainty is still there, every time I sit down to digitally doodle and has meant that I’ve rarely felt the need to pick up a brush, although I do enjoy a proper sketchbook sesh when I get the chance.
I’m so proud of this piece of work, and I’m just chuffed to bits that I could work with another small biz on something so special.
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I was on placement in a Year 1 class and we’d always finish off the day by handing out stickers at home time. I’d come prepared with sheets of stars with smiley faces. Each sheet had lots of different coloured stars, and one, just one, rainbow coloured star. I bought like 20 packs of these, and I’ve still got most of them. Why? Because pretty much every kid who I’d ask to choose a sticker at home time would choose the rainbow star sticker. Of course they did. Who wouldn’t? Now I’m stuck with a dozen or so packs of stickers that are missing a rainbow star on each sheet.
Last year I learnt that I too want the rainbow star. Every day, all the time. I don’t want average. I don’t want nice or neutral. I want rainbow, I want sparkle, I want fun. Last year saw me sell or give away SO many of my high street clothes and instead shop second hand or indie. I’ve been advised to dress less like a Christmas tree and to maybe choose one or two of the things I really like, instead of wearing them all at once. Absolutely sod that. Never have I been more complimented on what I’m wearing, or felt so like myself wearing it. In my home I’m up-cycling, painting and festooning every nook and cranny with garlands and paper fans and colour. I want my home to be as bright and colourful as it is at Christmas. But what will I do at Christmas, I hear you ask? Turn it all up to 11. Naturally.
What I’m going to try and do this year is to find my rainbow stars in my artwork. What am I doing that is lighting me up inside, or making me laugh, or making OTHER people laugh? What is the idea or spark of inspiration that is making me go ABSOLUTELY YAAAS. Because those are the things I want to do all of the time. I don’t think they’ll make much sense to other people, I definitely don’t think they’ll ‘go’ together, but hey, neither do most of my outfits. And I am so ok with that.
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In Christmases past I’ve been really set on sticking to Christmassy reds and golds for my tree and general decor. But this year I’ve been super inspired by some indie makers who have shown me that multi-clashing-rainbow-colour is totally Christmas appropriate!
I plan to slowly colour up my Christmas decor over the next couple of years and are some of my fave decorations and inspiration from fellow indie businesses, just in time for #SmallBusinessSaturday too! Not all of these guys are accepting orders right now, but you can look and dream and plan, right?!
I’m obsessed with Haley Victory’s colour palettes. Neons, brights and flouro yumminess all mingle together and are an absolute feast for the eyes. Have a look at her shop here: https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/hayleyvictoryshop
Fat Pom Poms makes totally joy inducing earrings and headbands and also WREATHS! Tinselly, rainbowy and just very very yay https://etsy.me/2JaVgSS
The Squirrel Collective does this amazing thing of crocheting colourful baubles for the 100 day project. Rainbow crochet goodness; I want them all! https://thesquirrelcollective.co.uk/collections/colourful-christmas/products/crochet-baubles-1?mc_cid=e6a716f732&mc_eid=4dd5e05747
Weave and Pom Co make stunning wall hangings and their festive offerings are making me drool right now. https://etsy.me/2RtY05n
Here are some insta accounts that I’ve been paying very close attention to for inspo too!
@prettypocketproject
@lucyhamlitonathome
@oxfordone
@goingloopycornwall
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I'm glad you asked.
I've been getting crazy into surface pattern design. Like, I am addicted to it. But me being me, it's not enough to create these designs; I want to see them on things, I want them to be used, to come to life.
I've been creating a tonne of surface pattern designs while on maternity leave this year, some featuring animals, some not, but all are bright and bold and full of colour.
The patterns for the tea towels came together after a massive binge of Stranger Things and Glow, and then falling into a google hole of what were those crazy 90s patterns even called? Memphis Milano, as it turns out. The Memphis group were an architecture and design company in the 80s that designed post modernist homewares and furniture. They also designed textiles, and were known for being bright, brash and taking influence from Art Deco to Pop Art. Growing up in the 80s and 90s, this stuff was everywhere, particularly on TV. I didn't realise how ingrained my eye for this style of pattern was until I started researching it. And it didn't take long before what started as a casual bit of research led to doodles on my drawing app. Which led to pattern creating on Photoshop.
I LOVED these patterns. I shouted about them all over Instagram and Twitter. I put them on greeting cards and wrapping paper (which you all seem to love as much as I do!) but I wanted even more, I thought these designs were so great I didn't want to limit myself.
I was feeling pretty frustrated about what to do with this ambition, not to mention completely broke after buying new stock, when a couple of good mates suggested these would look great on tea towels. I wrote this off as way too granny, but then a few more people suggested it and it really got me thinking; these would make AMAZING tea towels. They're bright, different, covered in mad patterns that should be great at disguising stains. Why not add some colour and ridiculousness to even the most unloved corner of your kitchen?!
So, I took my idea to the Indie Roller Facebook group and with their encouragement and advice, I set up a Kickstarter campaign; my first EVER.
It's scary and exciting, and I'm really proud of what I've done. It's all happened a bit faster than I'd have liked; a lot of the advice for crowdfunding is that you should hype up your idea or product months before you actually launch, and I've maybe managed a month? But I really wanted to get things going so that people could get these in time for Christmas, and I just thought fuck it, I have to get a move on. I was worried it would take me ages to write the campaign pitch and everything, but honestly, this project and this product is so me that it just all came together very very quickly!
I hope you'll have a look at the campaign, and maybe even support it if it's your kind of thing. You can take a look here:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/468198286/774981753?ref=8txs07&token=7f36ce4e
]]>I do a chatty Instagram story at least once a week, and waffle on ceaselessly, but as soon as I think about getting some of these thoughts down on paper (or..screen..?) I sort of freeze up. I think it's a bit of a hangover from when I announced I was going all whale, all the time, and then had to overcome my embarrassment and feelings of shame when I realised that by boxing myself in like that I'd made myself super miserable.
This public mea culpa has been a massive step in the journey I'm on at the moment, one in which I am trying to work out what it is I want to do, and what I want to be recognised for. I always thought this recognition would come from external sources; oh Victoria, she loves shrimp, that's what she does. And I'd sort of go; cool, I'm the shrimp girl, that's what I do. And as I type this that was TOTALLY what happened with the whole whale thing.
This year I've been a member of Indie Roller's Make it Happen group with Leona Thrift-Ola (an absolute queen, who is HERE for the indie biz owner, go and check out her site and Kickstarter if you want to know more
https://indieroller.com/) and I've suddenly had this online gang of people who are all on a creative business journey together, just at different points in the journey. I keep getting tripped up by my own ambition and impatience, and it is through this group that I remember to slow down, breathe, and really thing; what do I want to be known for? What do I want to do?
One of the problems I've had with this is that (like with the whale thing) I've wanted to niche down, to make my purpose, my why, super clear, but in trying to do so I completely lost it. It's like I don't think the things that are important to me are important enough for everyone, or that people will just think it's fluffy nonsense and won't get it.
So, what am I doing about this? How am I working it out? Well, for starters, and thanks to my whale fail, I'm letting myself be 100% myself, and completely honest on social media. I've totally fallen in love with Insta stories, and now by blogging again I am trying to find my voice in the written sense, so I can be honest here too, rather than just writing crap about new products or whatever.
I wrote a thing to put on my market stall right in the middle of whale fail realisation, when I let myself create whatever the hell I wanted, whatever brought me joy. I scribbled it on a bit of paper, on a total whim, and it is still one of the most honest things I have ever written about myself. So let me reintroduce myself to you all, and I hope you'll enjoy reading along on my journey of self discovery as an artist and small biz owner.
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I have had a bit of a crisis lately. Since announcing the new focus of my business back in February I’ve felt uninspired, limited and generally a bit sad. I realised that what I needed was not to narrow my focus down, but to put myself at the front and centre of my business and the art I create.
I fell into the trap of comparing my work, my website, my Instagram feed to everyone else’s and found mine lacking. I changed what I was doing to make it more like everyone else and in doing that I lost myself.
So from now on I will be illustrating absolutely anything I want. I will use whatever colours I want, I will post what I want. I will give myself the freedom to explore my creativity. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself by setting myself deadlines or tasks for the year ahead. Despite having been selling my artwork for two years I am still finding a way to consolidate artist and business owner, and I still have so much to learn.
Plans for new products have been put on hold while I enter this period of FUN.
]]>This is a really long blog post to answer a really simple question.
The yellow photo was taken for March Meet the Maker a couple of years ago, at school with all the yellow things I had on me at that moment (it’s usually a lot; it’s my favourite colour) That is how I work on my business, in between answering emails on my lunch break, and now during baby nap times. I work part time in my business, but not because I want to. This is the story of why.
Common to all the immigrant families I know, there is a strong emphasis based on hard work (and food and family and home, but this post is about work). Mine was the same. Each fluffy career path I offered up to my parents, my dad especially, reacted initially with barely disguised amusement, and later concern that I might actually be serious. He urged me to work hard, choose something ‘sensible’ and that all my hobbies could be a something lovely to keep me busy at the weekend. I vowed I’d never be satisfied with such a small life.
Predictably I went to university, got a ‘sensible’ degree and eventually a job as a primary school teacher. I still drew, but mainly classroom resources, which didn’t quite satisfy the urge. I spent lots of my twenties furious that I didn’t get the same opportunities as all these middle class people I met who’d studied illustration or fine art and were now working in creative fields. “That could have been me!” I raged to anyone who’d listen, “if only my parents had understood me and let me study art!” Which of course was a load of old crap.
I had no clue what I wanted to do in my teens or twenties, except for it having to be ‘creative’ and I don’t think my parents could have nurtured me more if they’d tried. I remember them shelling out for a piano after I begged for lessons; dad never did anything by halves. They joyfully accepted all the handmade bits I made and cards I drew for them. They let me paint my room (ceiling and all) the most hideous shade of purple in the name of self-expression. And one of my fondest memories is of my mum helping me to dye my hair bright pink, and ruining her towels in the process. For such cautious people they were/are incredibly open minded.
In my thirties I decided to turn my part time hobby into a part time business. This isn’t quite what my parents had in mind, and my dad in particular worried I was working too hard. This from the man who ran three businesses at once, and who at his peak worked 17 hour days. I suppose he wanted me to work hard, but not as hard as he had to. Because underneath all his ‘work hard’ ethic he also always said that finding happiness in life was the most important thing. This was completely at odds with the way he worked himself, rarely taking holidays and not being there as much as he should have. I know he regretted this in later years, and I don’t want to repeat that mistake.
For better or worse, I’ve inherited his drive and ambition, and since having my daughter I’m more determined to turn part time into full time. I am really trying, and hustling and hoping that one day I will be able to earn a living from drawing. But I also want to be happy, and I want my daughter to be happy. My mum and partner remind me to stop sometimes, to relax and not try to do five things at once. I want my daughter to know that you can work hard, dream big and find joy in the small things. That you can find ways to live your life on your terms, even if the path isn’t straightforward and you have to work hard to get there.
]]>If you look closely at the photos you might spot my Sperm Whales, Narwhals and Tiny Ocptopuses illustrations. It gladdens me that I still sell some of these early illustrations, but lots of others have fallen by the wayside. There has been a lot of trial and error, and a LOT of money and time spent on things that proved to be not at all worth it. But I guess that’s part and parcel of trying to run a business and not being especially business minded. I am first an foremost an artist, a creative, a maker; not a business mogul.
It has taken me this long to work out what VictoriaDraws is about and what I want it to be. The direction I’m going in feels right, for now, and I’m excited about what the future might hold. I’ll leave you with an image of my Party Prawn card which is one of the very first illustrations I created for my business, the first Etsy listing I ever created and it is still a best seller. People love prawns 🦐🦐🦐
]]>If you’re signed up to my mailing list you’ll already know that I’ve made what’s felt like a really big decision: From now on I will only be creating sea related illustration and products.
The catalyst for this was last year’s 100 Day Project which resulted in 100 Things That Live in the Sea. I so enjoyed this project and the final outcome; it all just felt right. I’ve always loved wildlife and until now sharing my love of it through illustration meant drawing and painting all the animals I could think of, but I started feeling lost and a bit overwhelmed. The sea creature illustrations slowly started to take over and when I looked at all of the work I had on offer I felt I no longer made sense to make and sell all the animals, but instead to focus on but it feels part of the natural world that has always fascinated me.
When I was for years old I was given The Little Mermaid on VHS as a birthday present and I was totally obsessed. As a student I obsessively watched Blue Planet DVDs, repeatedly. If I’d been another sort of person I might have studied marine biology, but I’m not, so I paint sea creatures, rather than study them, which I suppose is my way of learning about them. And then there is the connection to my dad, who grew up by the sea in Spain, and always talked of it as this mysterious, dangerous but amazing thing.
So there will be no more cats and dogs, but my shrimps are sticking around and there’ll be lots more whales and other lovely sea creatures coming over the year. If you’re interested in my other work I’ve created an online portfolio at www.VictoriaDraws.com which I will update as often as my over-active brain will let me.
]]>A shiny new online shop deserves a shiny new blog, so here I am, again.
On this blog I’ll be writing about a mixture of my plans for VictoriaDraws, my musings on trying to run a small business and general meanderings of the mind. I’ll try to keep it short and snappy as I figure none of you are here for my writing chops.
I will be updating this irregularly, with no rhyme or reason, and very likely with poor grammar. Enjoy!
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